the outlaws 2001 -2002

We have arranged to visit my mother-in-law in Basildon Hospital. Celia picks me up and we drive over to Hullbridge first to collect Toby as he has no diesel and they're skint. Bill is pleased we're going as he has to go out that night so can't be with her.

It's a filthy night, pitch black, cold and pouring with rain. On walking into the ward we see my sister in law and brother in law standing around her bed. It's been maybe ten years, can't remember exactly. I say 'hello stranger' to them both and somewhat bemused to see him completely turn his back on us and her fumbling about looking down all the time. Neither acknowledge us.


We all look at each other in some amusement and surprise. Celia hands her the card, at which she waves us away.  Telling us to go. There is no room around the bed for us all so we do. It's a twenty mile journey and we're there 10 seconds.

A surreal experience, Celia is furious and Toby finds it amusing. I'm puzzled by this odd behaviour but doubtless Bill will get to the bottom of it all.

A couple of days later, he rings and in a black mood. He's livid with rage about his family and goes on to say what it's over.  Apparently  it's because we didn't visit my father-in-law just before he died. Which is very strange because we spoke to them at the funeral and sat with them at the wake afterwards. They were fine then.

This was nine years ago. they must have carried this animosity all this time. The truth is I did visit him twice in hospital. At the time was working 100 hours a week. On the Saturday before he died Bill came into the shop and told me his Dad didn't have long. He said he was going the next day to see him, I asked if I could go with him as didn't want to go on my own. He said no point blank and walked out of the shop.

I then rang Toby and Celia, She was in a very bad place at the time and said she couldn't handle it.  That was fine by me. No pressure. I'm not going to guilt trip my kids into something like this. Toby and I arrange to meet on Friday afternoon so at least we can go together.

On the Thursday, Celia is walking along the Broadway and bumps into her Dad. He talks of this and that and then in passing tells her the funeral's next Thursday. She is shell-shocked at this news and runs back to the shop to tell me. September 2001 the same week the World Trade Centre was attacked. 

So he died before we could get there to say goodbye. I'm devastated by this. I'm also surprised no-one has told me.  I ring my sister in law and find out where he's laying. I arrange for cover and drive over to Basildon Funeral Home. This is a horrible experience for me, a great feeling of dread. and the first time seeing a dead body.

He's in a room with lots of other dead people. There's a hushed, eerie feel to it all.   And curtained screens. I'm ushered through. As I look at him he looks so small and fragile. It's very emotional and I tell him I'm sorry that I didn't get to say goodbye. And with some relief, get back in the car and drive back to the shop. I tell no-one what I've done.

We all go to his funeral, my brother Alan takes a day off work and brings his wife Stella. My Dad comes. Toby and Donna. Celia and Martin. As we enter the house before leaving for the funeral, the atmosphere is icy. I know this is going to have repercussions for years. But little did I know how much so.

My mother died the following year 2002. Cella rings Bill to tell him. He's yachting somewhere off the Balearics. We assumed he would tell his family as I had so much to do arranging the funeral with my brother and Dad.

But instead got a barrage of abuse because they weren't informed and had read about it in the obituary notices. This was extraordinary. and very difficult to deal with on top of the grief of losing my mother. Quite why Bill didn't tell them is beyond me. So no-one from his family came to her funeral. With the exception of Marie, my other sister-in-law. And Bill of course. Dad and Alan feel  very slighted by this snub as do I. We had all made the effort ourselves for his funeral and turned out in force.

The same happened when my brother died and also my father. No-one present except Marie and my mother-in-law. This is a very religious family. If this is religion, then I'm glad I'm an atheist.