How to be an essex man - definitive guide

A short cultural overview of what life is like in the happy county of Essex and relevant criteria visitors need to be aware of.

You won't need a passport or jabs, though a shot of penicillin may be advisable.

Reading material mandatory: The Sun. This will give you your opinions on politics, women and sex (one and the same in this instance) the stance on Europe (who Berlusconi is shagging and ample coverage of the porn star element of his governing ministers and the Beckhams) home affairs (which footballers are shagging which 'models', what hairstyle Cheryl Cole is wearing, which handbag she is currently toting and the Beckhams). For less intellectually demanding reading The Daily Sport is recommended.

Politics: you will be comfortably to the right of Ghengis Khan, enthusiastically support the BNP preferably at football grounds by verbally and physically abusing opposing teams supporters or anyone a shade darker than beige. Male bonding is the norm, kissing and hugging after a goal,  (though tongues are restricted to rugby players),  is all acceptable, as are tears. This will be the only time you are allowed to show emotion. Calling your male friends a cunt is an excellent social move and will be regarded as a compliment.

Might be advisable to keep schtum about any arty stuff, as you will be viewed with suspicion, ie homosexual though this term is never used, 'shirt-lifter' 'fudge-packer' 'queer' or 'poof' are the common terms. And you will need to do something about your accent, try ending each sentence with 'nah what ah mean' that will assist greatly, as will 'innit.'

To alert women to your presence you must learn to jeer and catcall: preferably from a white van. 'Oi luv, get yer coat, you've pulled', 'phwoar, nice rack darlin' or similar comments will be greatly appreciated. Or make sucking noises not dissimilar to those made by builders inspecting your house prior to giving you their over-inflated quote for a job. Once you have engaged their attention (pulled) favoured endearments are: tart, bird, doll, slag, hun, babe, darlin' but like her Maj you must never, ever refer to them by their christian name.

A few useful tips about sex, you mustn't refer to it as 'making love', shag, or 'bend 'er and end 'er'. Foreplay consists of internet pornography after the pubs have closed. Sex must take place only in the bedroom and missionary position is preferred, anything else may be considered pervy or even worse:  foreign. You will find this is an excellent opportunity for your 'babe' to plan the new bedroom décor and also look for any cobwebs that may be lurking. After your minute is up you will roll over and grunt before falling into a deep comatose state.

You must wear the following: A No1, 2 or 3 haircut. A preponderance of what in medical circles is referred to as brown fat cells banding your girth. This is called a 'beer gut'. And is achieved by drinking at least 10 pints of beer daily closely followed by an Indian or Kebab takeaway. Which will be promptly evacuated in the adjacent car park, or on the pavement in front of the licensed establishment you have just visited.

We have many fine examples of New Labours social housing, with it's multi-cultural integration. These are called 'sink estates' and consist of young single mothers with large families of varying hues and fathers. There is a dearth of adult males in this environment. Many of the children will have letters after their name: ASBO's. These acknowledgements are a source of great pride and social acceptance. The mothers are self-educated, demonstrating an admirable grasp of the complexities of the benefit system.

We are the entrepreneurial capital of the country and service industry led. Pharmaceuticals (drug-dealing) and consumerism (burglary and car theft) we excel in. We also have a very successful second-hand car trade. Buying a used car can be an invigorating experience, with enjoyable verbal badinage but you will need to be au fait with the language. Don't be put off by their gruff demeanour, or history of GBH. Being 'economical with the actualite' the salesmen will swear on their childrens/mothers/wives lives that the car hasn't been: 'cut and shut' (two write-offs' welded together), and has 'genuine mileage' (clocked), only one owner (stolen). When he tells you the asking price the correct response is, 'yer 'avin a larf mate' followed by a swift head-butt.

Décor: this is always repro. Antiques are frowned upon as secondhand. A plasma television, preferably covering at least one wall is a must. And an in-depth knowledge of all the soaps is desirable. Many of the houses are decorated and furnished in a distinctive style: 'Louis de Lebanon' with heavy gilt and leopard print much favoured for furnishings. To such an extent this may be carried over into personal clothing. Mirrors are much in evidence particularly over the bed, usage mainly to check for streaking of fake tan.

Orange is the complexion of choice along with yellow hair: sunglasses may be prudent to avoid the glare. Plastic breasts are de rigueur from the age of 8. We are a sexually liberated county so there's no need to spike drinks.

Government Health Warning: This county may contain nuts